Take life as it comes

so me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over four months. 

I’m so head over heels that i’ll day dream about our future together :) I’m definitely attached to him.

We have always always always avoided the subject of my past hookups. Regarding his, he told me I was his first kiss, so there’s that.

Well it came up a few nights ago and i’m so tired of literally having him be like, “Please, I don’t wanna know,” or “I don’t even wanna think about how many guys, stop” Bullshit like that all the time.

So I finally told him i’d given head to 3 guys prior to him and he completely flipped out…

They were all situations where I was either drunk at a party, or drunk at the beach, never sober. I explained that, it didn’t matter.

Then I explained that I was young, and all my friends were doing things and it was a type of experiment thing. And that’s an actual excuse too. When you’re young, you don’t know any better, especialllllyyy when your decisions are distorted by alcohol dammit.

“I just didn’t think you were that kind of girl”

Literally what the hell. I got very emotional and upset and said I wasn’t considering losing my virginity to him anymore, and plenty more stuff because I felt really insecure and ashamed. He was also being very rude about it. We argued back and fourth till 3 a.m. & said Goodnight very awkwardly compared to the usual, “I love you very much, good night <3”

The next morning I sent him a sweet text:

“Baby I’m sorry for being all hurt and emotional last night. I was honestly just so upset and I could not control myself. I tried to stop talking to you a few times so I could just deal with it on my own but we just kept talking. I’ve never loved someone so much so when I feel like I ruined anything between us it kills me inside. Everything is okay, I love you and I want you to have a good day azizam.”

His response:

“I don’t really want to talk”

“I need time to think”

So he didn’t talk to me for two whole days and it was so hard but we both needed space after our argument so I wasn’t angry about it.

What is bothersome, is how things unfolded when we talked again. It started off nice. The morning of the third day he sends me, “You know I still love you, right baby”

Very sweet and I liked that. What I did not like was how I was being all sweet, understanding and nice and all he could say was, “whatever” ” I’m over it” “It’s really whatever”

This is fucking ridiculous it was all about HIM, and how upset HE got… over MY actions. And then he was just magically over it… or numb I should say. So how does he think that makes ME feel?

I feel like he thinks I’m a slut. I feel as if he loves me still but a little less and doesn’t look at me the same. He took two days away from me to think about things and never reassured me that he doesn’t think I’m a whore. Yet we got sexual so soon when we texted. So here I am thinking, Does he not care because he just thinks I’m hot and still wants to hook up?

It’s just not fair, I’m so nice, open with him, and willing to talk. But he just shuts everything I say out as if he cant bare to talk about anything from our fight. Well why not? Why is my past SUCH a big deal? Any other guy would not react like this, seriously. Why would guys care about a girl’s past hookups? I’m still a virgin for crying out loud. Head to 3 guys? What’s so awful!!? That is NOTHING compared to my friends! And he acts like i’ve given it up every chance I got……no. There have been plenty of times I haven’t. And all of them sober too… so like does that not make sense? And is he really that clueless to not see that I obviously witnessed his horrible reaction, AND STILL not gotten any comforting or reassurance?

No, no he isn’t clueless. He is refusing to talk about it because it won’t end well. He’s not going to lie to me, and he still isn’t okay or accepting of my past.

I’m afraid. I have always noticed our difference in life style and this is just showing it so perfectly in front of my eyes. He can’t accept me ever have been intimate farther than kissing with other men.. and legitimately judges me for it.

How does he think that makes me feel? Like i’ll get over it or something? Like I’ll get over the fact that my boyfriend had a mental breakdown because of my actions? no.

I tried to just be like, okay fine, let’s not talk about it. But since he’s so inconsiderate on how the whole fight made ME feel.. I have subconscious resentment, and I lashed out at him for something completely unnecessary this morning.

I need to talk to him, ugh

I sometimes think about our past relationship. I don’t get it

How could you have treated me so poorly? In general, in basic, human, common curtis, how did you treat me in a way I would never treat another person?

Is it because you are bitter? Have no respect for yourself? Are you just childish? Bored? Immature? I don’t know.

I also never got the closure I wanted. But then again, who knows what I wanted.. maybe the “closure” I wanted was for you to apologize for everything and come back to me and treat me how things were in the beginning. Idk

Then again, no, Closure is legit. All you gave me was doubt to my friend about us, and then a few months after, through Skype you wanted to tell me that there was another girl you wanted to hang out with, but she said no because you had a girlfriend. So what did you do? You thought about us breaking up before you cheated.

You know what, I respect that. That honestly shows me a lot.

But.. This happened how long ago? Almost 9 months ago, NINE. And a part of me hasn’t gotten over it. Maybe a part of me never will? I doubt it though. I believe that someday I will never think back to this. Who knows.

I don’t know if I want to be with Arian forever. I love him extremely one day and the other I’m thinking I can easily live without him. Which I could.. I could live without him. I could always live…but would I want too?

I’m in love with who he is, how he treats me, the way he makes me feel… amazing. I never want that to go away, I want it to last and never stop. 

I’m afraid no one else will ever be as amazing as he is. 

If I could predict the future, here’s what I see.

I see me staying with Arian all throughout the end of my Senior year, all throughout summer, The begininning of my first semester of College, but then something goes wrong. I start finding interest in other guys.. mainly something like that. 

I’m not saying I want that to happen, I’m just afraid it will. Because it’s highly likely too.

I’m confused with myself. 

I love Arian very much, but sometimes it’s not enough, obviously.

I have cheated on him 3 times. 2 of the times during a period where we were not “official” but.. if he knew it would kill him, and knowing that alone is enough for me to regret my actions.

The two times I cheated on him before December 5th ( our date) were completely my choice and could have been prevented.

The third time, We were together… but it just happened. Me & Ali were in the bathroom.. that intense stair at one another, and then we were making out.

But i know what I did is wrong and it should leave at that, but it isn’t.

Ali still texts me.. and he even offered to go on a date with me, and I accepted! Sure let’s go on a date, I would love too smiley face.

I sometimes step back and evaluate what a piece of shit I would appear as to someone who knew everything.

I liked Ali in the beginning, before we hooked up, and even after cause I enjoyed it and thought he was cute about the situation. How he was worrying about others finding out for both of our sake’s and how he didn’t want me to be viewed as a slut. But…. he started getting odd. Asking me if we could be “friends with benefits” asking if I would care if he were to hook up with someone else at a party… asking me for “titty pic” That’s 3 red flags right there. He hasn’t given me anymore, but I swear if any other weird thing like that turns me off. No longer messin around with him.

All of what I just explained, all the shadiness, makes me like him less. When a guy shows me disrespect, I can’t help but like them less.. and it shows, I can’t hide it. I don’t text them as excited or happy and I’m not as bubbly. It turns everything off cause then the guy is like what the hell. I’m only talking to him for experience at this point. Do I want to hook up with him again? maybe. Not saying no but i’m definitely not saying Yes. 

Then there is Jonathan. Haha this is the first guy I cheated on Arian with. Technically we were not dating.. but it was a day after Arian and me hooked up at my house so I felt like a mega whore.  But that was back in August. Right after we hooked up, he started talking to Natalie and I continued talking to Arian. Him and Natalie have been dating for 7 months and I have been dating Arian for 2. But he keeps texting me… some of it is about their relationship problems and someone if it is borderline him trying to see me so we can hookup. I deny him so much but he’s so sneaky, it’s hard to explain. I enjoyed our hookup.. and I don’t know if I would hookup with him again. Even now. I think it would be sorta thrilling to hookup with someone who is also in a relationship, cause we are both risking something.. I dunno.

I most likely sound so fucked up in the head. Maybe i’m bored and need to be focussing on things like college, a license, and a job instead of guys? but.. I can’t. I like the attention and this is all exciting. Hooking up is fun.. I love experiencing new people, and I like having things interesting in my life.

Arian… I am in love okay. Like I’m not stupid or crazy, I know what it’s like to think about someone when you wake up and when you go to sleep. When you want to be a better person because of the way he makes you feel. When you imagine yourself with this person forever and can even see yourselves old and ugly but still happy. I love him. 

I feel as if I have found the love of my life too soon. At times I wish I were single at the moment .. but then I have the most amazing boyfriend to go to whenever I need him. So respectful, so lovely, funny, intelligent, perfect. I am my most comfortable self with him and he gives me not only confidence, but happiness. Genuine, happiness.

He doesn’t deserve what I am doing to him. I am mentally cheating on him multiple times per day by texting these other guys.. 

If he found out ANY of what I just confessed on this, EVERYTHING would change. Things would alter and never go back to how they used to be. and then there it is.. I would have ruined the best thing that has happened to me. That’s how I reallly feel.. he is that amazing.

So why am I doing this?

Okay so I have no cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel really sad about it but then I have this evil overwhelming feeling trying to convince myself not to be upset, or think about it.

The first time I cheated on him, I made out with some guy from GA tech at the Passion Pit concert. This was before he asked me to be his girlfriend though, so it never bothered me, and it didn’t mean anything.

My and Arian have been dating for a little over a month. December 5 is our date <3

There is this guy named Ali, I met him through my ex-boyfriend and they go to our same school. He’s obviously persian as well, and is a Gemini.

I have always had a tiny crush on him and slowly started developing feelings for him over time. He’s so chill and awesome, I love his personality through his tweets. He invited me to some party and I returned the favor and invited him to my friend Isabelle’s party last night.

I don’t know what it is about him that intrigues me so much… but one time he sent me a piece of his writing and I literally melted at how good it was. I agreed so much with everything he said, admired him for writing some things, and was obsessed with how he expressed himself. He’s just an air sign like me and I can’t help but like him.. idk.

It seriously sucks liking two people. Last time that happened… oh lord. I remember. I liked Artie and Arian and everything Artie wouldn’t talk to me, Arian would comfort me with our casual chats. Then I fell for him. This is exactly what Ali is. Every time Arian is busy, I somehow get Ali to talk to me. This past week Arian was more busy with school, and Ali and me texted more, and I ended up dreaming about him. I dreamed of me and him hooking up at the party. And hey it didn’t happen the same way, but pretty fucking similar.

He arrived with his friends and everything was casual. I introduced myself to all of them and everything was going well, but I could tell that I was craving attention from him that he wasn’t giving me.

Me, him, and his friend split a weed cookie and I had taken a few shots at this point.

We were taking pictures, and I wanted to sit on the couch next to him and his friend for the picture. They wouldn’t move over, so I pulled a flirtatious move and sat on Ali for the pic. Then everyone who saw ( my friends) obviously were laughing and making a big deal out of it because I have a boyfriend.  I got all pissy and was saying “wait, why are people laughing?” and I was making it a bigger deal than it was, because I was faded.

I pulled Ali in the bathroom to talk to me. He asked me if I was mad at him and I explained how I was just annoyed with their reaction. I was standing up against the door with him right infront of me. We intently starred at each other for a good 5 seconds and then started making out really sexually.. like we had just been waiting so long to do that.

We hooked up in the bathroom, and I made him promise not to tell any of his friends, and we both denied that we did anything and told everyone we were only talking. Deny deny deny.

I am super scared my ex, who goes to the same school as all of them, will find out, and tell my boyfriend who he see’s every weekend. I sure hope not :/

I don’t know what to think of my actions. I know I wanted to hook up with Ali so bad… and I did. But if this is crazy, I only like Arian sooo much more now. SO much more. He’s my love, I love him. I have a crush on Ali and I kind of like him. I’m considering having an affair at the moment. Test it out and see how it works and how girls get away with it, or how they feel… i’m curious. 

All depends on my guilt and if I get caught, wish me luck.

again. AGAIN.again i am unsure of my feelings. I know I love Arian and that won’t change for a while..but. 

okay so, my ex isn’t following me on twitter. I unfollowed him about a month ago.  He saw me this past weekend. Arian was with him and another friend when he visited me from the place i’m babysitting at. Something interested that happened was as they were leaving my ex walked out the door in front of arian with me behind both of them. I leaned in to give Arian a kiss the instant Artie tried to turn around and give me a hug. He saw it. My ex boyfriend saw me and his friend, who is now my new boyfriend kiss before his eyes. That makes me feel like I won in a way. but won what? what am I winning? Happiness I guess.. cause Arian does make me happy. But the fact that I care that he saw, means I obviously care a little more than I should. So back to me unfollowing him… when I saw him that night I mentioned a little comment about a mutual person we know. Now let me explain him a little bit. He doesn’t ever gossip. He’s not one to care about what other people are doing or preoccupied with, and this is a fact. So tell me why he wants to tweet me, when he’s not following me, two days after I see him, asking about the comment I made. 

I saw it two hours late, and all I did was answer the questions. He responded with an “Lol”… how is that an lol. A part of me feels kinda bitchy and rude. And you wanna know the funny thing, I had been thinking about him too.. even two days after like he obviously was. I don’t like him. We never worked in our little relationship thing we tried having.. but.. I don’t know. My thing is, I never got the closure I wanted, and our relationship ended so unfairly to me. I wasn’t done with it, I was over seas’s… I felt hopeless.. It sucks.

Maybe it’s because he was my first everything I like him. Maybe it’s the fact that he was the first guy interested in me that I was just as crazy about back, and it felt unreal to be talking to him. A connection with him was so new, exciting, and fun. He made me feel special, wanted, respected.. just lovely.

That’s all the good stuff. I need to keep in mind that there were so many things I had to either get over or put up with. “Easy” is the farthest thing when it came to communicating with him. He’s bipolar I swear. And sometimes when he was so tense.. it would make me tense. I don’t know. I don’t want to go into explaining specifics because only I will really know and understand how confusing he was at times. I honestly just am torn about this whole me thinking about him again. Because I’ll be at the point where I am 100% confident that I don’t like him and even hold no resentment. & THEN he does something.

I’ve ignored him in the past. Said no to skyping 3 times and denied him when he asked me to go out. Maybe he just wants to be friends with me.. or like cordial with me and I keep being awkward or bitchy because I have these undecided feelings towards him.

I feel like we both have some emotions that lead us to think about what we had and the possibilities that abruptly ended. I’m sure I do more than him, but I still notice this in him. He has to be jealous of me and Arian. And him being jealous doesn’t mean he wants me back..but I know very goddamn well that if he were to date one of my good friends and was going around pecking them infront of me… no.

You know what. The thing with Artie is that he doesn’t deserve me. He has treated me with such disrespect and god awful behavior that I could never look at him the same. We won’t work, ever.

But that still doesn’t mean I never cared about him and have a soft spot for him or that I don’t think about us, our past, our future, us even associated in each other’s lives.

I told Arian.. I fucking.told.him. Why the hell would you want to hang out with me and him at the same time. Like what possess him to think that it’s a good idea?? beats me. Although he did explain why and it’s because it’s easier to get by his dad to see me since Artie lives close to me.

I don’t know. It’s a good thing I’m not giving in and trying to talk to Artie. If I wasn’t Arian’s girlfriend I might have.. I don’t know, I almost cracked today when I was blazed cause I heard a song on my itunes that he showed me.

I miss him fhgbflhgdjkas no I don’t. I love my boyfriend. I’m done. He’s not for me. He doesn’t respect me. We didn’t get along. We don’t naturally interact. We’re not meant tone, and that’s the end of it.

Over the summer, when I was in Iran, all I did was write in my itouch to myself. Me and artie broke up a week into the vacation, but even before then I could see it coming and wrote viciously every time I needed to express my thoughts in my notes app.

Reading back through my notes brings back bad memories as well as weird ones. A heart break is nothing I want to remember or constantly re-live but it’s so interesting to see given evidence of exactly how I thinking and felt. I know in the past i’ve deleted the most upsetting ones because they just made me feel pathetic but I didn’t delete all of them.

One note stands out in particular to me. I so vividly remember writing it and can go right back to the place I was, how I was feeling, and everything I had in me when I wrote it.

I wrote this the day before me and him broke up.

• I’m in such a fucked up situation. I don’t know what I want and I do. If I could say something to him:
• Artie I don’t even know where to start with you. I was interested in you from the very beginning. I’m proud of how well i kept my guard up when we met and got to slowly know each other. I made sure not to keep my hopes up but it was pretty hard at times. You are attractive, persian, my same age and you seemed really chill and cool so of course you caught my attention. You annoyed me in little ways when we talked but I ended up falling for that. Your humor is so different and something I sure was not used too. You were a challenge, and a hard one at that. You always left me confused, questioning, and over thinking. Your slow, cautious approach left me hopeless at times. Every time I wanted you to talk to me i’d talk to arian. If it wasn’t for him, I seriously don’t know how I would have been so patient.
•  It came to the point where I didn’t have to stop myself from keeping my hopes up. because my hopes were finally becoming true. You liked me and I liked you. You wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with you. Felt unreal, felt too good to be true. You were the one who insisted a relationship, and i wasn’t about to oppose one when I saw how well things went when we admitted our feelings. I enjoyed every bit and reminded myself that I was the luckiest girl all the time because mutual feelings are great. 
• But now, now i wish i wasn’t so happy, now I wish you wouldn’t have made me feel so good. Why? Because you no longer do. Things have changed and i’m hurt. It’s really frustrating to think that you don’t like me anymore. To think that you got bored of me, to think that I no longer interest you. That shows me I obviously had stronger feelings because they lasted. That shows me you only went for me for the chase. If it wasn’t the chase artie.. Because I have faith that you aren’t that kind of guy, you must of imagined me to be someone i’m not. You must have thought I was different. I feel pathetic thinking of ways to alter myself so I can be that dream girl for you. That’s not a good feeling exactly. I want you to like me for me and not what I can be. But, i’ve become just like those girls i was  afraid of becoming. I’ve become like those girls who sit around waiting, wondering, questioning…. Hoping. I’m not sure how much longer I can wait because this sucks. I miss everything I had back home. All I know is i’m stuck here with my family and i’m trying to make the best of it. 

I knew it was coming, this wasn’t the day before it was actually the day of. I wrote this on a twelve hour bus to visit a city to see my relatives. I sat on that bus and cried as I wrote out my feelings and frustrations. 

I arrived at my uncle’s house and went on the internet to see my best friend dming me on twitter telling me he has been texting her asking what the best way to break things off with me was. I was devastated. I messaged him on facebook and he responded right away and that’s how we broke up.

I spent my days so miserable in thought. I would day dream about how things could have been. I’m pretty sure I even analyzed every little detail I knew for things to somehow end differently.

I started feeling insecure and looking for all the things I did wrong or weren’t appealing enough for him to want to stay with me. Sometimes I would assure myself that i’d get him back.

Even a few months back, I had this plan to be the best I can be, meaning : skinny, tan, fit, to one day somehow have him fall for me again and we’d then give our relationship a second chance.

It was all ridiculous was what it was. But it’s okay. I really liked him and that’s why I had all these thoughts after we suddenly broke up. I’m happy I’m not feeling the same way I was and I’m happy i’ve fully moved on.

Whatever is meant to be, happens.

I’m passed being attached to my boyfriend. The funny part is, I don’t care. I am no longer scarred. I am so happy with him it feels unreal. And the best part, I am completely and entirely over my ex. I have been for a little while, but it keeps getting so much more reassuring when I see both of them and notice my feelings for him don’t come back, and only get stronger for arian.

My boyfriend wrote a list of things he would want in a companion for a class.

The weird thing is, his list is extremely similar to mine.

His list describes me, and my list describes him.

Our relationship is difficult. I constantly get my phone taken away and can’t drive. And he rarely ever has freedom with his car and is big on pleasing his overly strict parents.

Issues are always seeing each other. Either my mom has my cell phone and he can’t contact me, or he can’t see me because his dad wants him to focus on school.

It’s tough at times, but we still are very much in love and it’s still working. As long as we both care and are giving effort, everything will remain fine.

I dream about our future where we are free to see eachother more and I can just spend time with him. I would give anything to see him everyday.

I’m currently upset over loosing my mom’s trust again and not having my phone.

I also am a little bothered by yesterday because he stopped by my house right before I was home and I missed him when I got back. I started crying when I saw the fb messages that he was here and he felt bad so he visited me later that night at the place I was babysitting at. It was a far drive and he was in such a rush to make it home on time that he almost got in a car accident :( That’s just the saddest thing ever and I felt so incredibly guilty. If he would have died last night I don’t know what I would ever do with myself.

i think about the beginning of you entering my life from time to time.

I think about my actions and how everything unraveled.

how our relationship developed, so easily

how much i enjoyed talking to you from the start

of course i messed up back then like i do with almost everything in my life

but in the end we always come back together 

no matter what happens or comes in our way, we find our route

me and you

the feeling of loss is greater than it seems

i miss you more than i should

the way i miss you is much different

it is as if i have lost the light to my happiness and i’m blind

i’m not in a dark place, but rather shallow and empty just waiting to be shined on

never a feeling of burden from you and i’m my most comfortable self

happiness finally has meaning when i think of you

how many people in this world could ever make me feel like you do?

this is love

i feel as if i will never forget

i will never love like this

This is rare, this is special

I am no longer Single :)

Arian came over and asked me to be his girlfriend. It just feels right. I’m ready to be in a relationship with him.

I just love him near me. I love him kissing me. I love being with him. 

I know that I’m completely over my ex because I can read through past entries on my blog and it no longer upsets me. I have no desire to be with my ex. I love Arian. I can’t imagine a day without thinking about him.. and it hurts when it’s been so long since i’ve seen him.

I’m ready for a new chapter of my life to begin