so me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over four months.
I’m so head over heels that i’ll day dream about our future together :) I’m definitely attached to him.
We have always always always avoided the subject of my past hookups. Regarding his, he told me I was his first kiss, so there’s that.
Well it came up a few nights ago and i’m so tired of literally having him be like, “Please, I don’t wanna know,” or “I don’t even wanna think about how many guys, stop” Bullshit like that all the time.
So I finally told him i’d given head to 3 guys prior to him and he completely flipped out…
They were all situations where I was either drunk at a party, or drunk at the beach, never sober. I explained that, it didn’t matter.
Then I explained that I was young, and all my friends were doing things and it was a type of experiment thing. And that’s an actual excuse too. When you’re young, you don’t know any better, especialllllyyy when your decisions are distorted by alcohol dammit.
“I just didn’t think you were that kind of girl”
Literally what the hell. I got very emotional and upset and said I wasn’t considering losing my virginity to him anymore, and plenty more stuff because I felt really insecure and ashamed. He was also being very rude about it. We argued back and fourth till 3 a.m. & said Goodnight very awkwardly compared to the usual, “I love you very much, good night <3”
The next morning I sent him a sweet text:
“Baby I’m sorry for being all hurt and emotional last night. I was honestly just so upset and I could not control myself. I tried to stop talking to you a few times so I could just deal with it on my own but we just kept talking. I’ve never loved someone so much so when I feel like I ruined anything between us it kills me inside. Everything is okay, I love you and I want you to have a good day azizam.”
“I don’t really want to talk”
“I need time to think”
So he didn’t talk to me for two whole days and it was so hard but we both needed space after our argument so I wasn’t angry about it.
What is bothersome, is how things unfolded when we talked again. It started off nice. The morning of the third day he sends me, “You know I still love you, right baby”
Very sweet and I liked that. What I did not like was how I was being all sweet, understanding and nice and all he could say was, “whatever” ” I’m over it” “It’s really whatever”
This is fucking ridiculous it was all about HIM, and how upset HE got… over MY actions. And then he was just magically over it… or numb I should say. So how does he think that makes ME feel?
I feel like he thinks I’m a slut. I feel as if he loves me still but a little less and doesn’t look at me the same. He took two days away from me to think about things and never reassured me that he doesn’t think I’m a whore. Yet we got sexual so soon when we texted. So here I am thinking, Does he not care because he just thinks I’m hot and still wants to hook up?
It’s just not fair, I’m so nice, open with him, and willing to talk. But he just shuts everything I say out as if he cant bare to talk about anything from our fight. Well why not? Why is my past SUCH a big deal? Any other guy would not react like this, seriously. Why would guys care about a girl’s past hookups? I’m still a virgin for crying out loud. Head to 3 guys? What’s so awful!!? That is NOTHING compared to my friends! And he acts like i’ve given it up every chance I got……no. There have been plenty of times I haven’t. And all of them sober too… so like does that not make sense? And is he really that clueless to not see that I obviously witnessed his horrible reaction, AND STILL not gotten any comforting or reassurance?
No, no he isn’t clueless. He is refusing to talk about it because it won’t end well. He’s not going to lie to me, and he still isn’t okay or accepting of my past.
I’m afraid. I have always noticed our difference in life style and this is just showing it so perfectly in front of my eyes. He can’t accept me ever have been intimate farther than kissing with other men.. and legitimately judges me for it.
How does he think that makes me feel? Like i’ll get over it or something? Like I’ll get over the fact that my boyfriend had a mental breakdown because of my actions? no.
I tried to just be like, okay fine, let’s not talk about it. But since he’s so inconsiderate on how the whole fight made ME feel.. I have subconscious resentment, and I lashed out at him for something completely unnecessary this morning.
I need to talk to him, ugh